bynkii (bynkii) wrote,
bynkii
bynkii

An open letter to SXSW and all computer conference organizers

Tired of the "Web 2.0 Entitlement Jackasses"? Tired of a roomful of blogassholes fucking everything up because you didn't fellate them as a reward for attending your conference? Sick to death of their rude, whiny bullshit because you didn't read their minds? Wishing you could, just once, get them to use the manners that the rest of us learned in Kindergarten?

Of course you are. $DEITY$ knows, we are too.

That's why I'm offering a new service: The Bynkii.com Smackin' Hand.

When you hire one of our trained TBSH experts, you are guaranteed a baseline level of manners that allows for vigorous, even passionate debate, yet with the modicum of manners we all expect in a society that has evolved beyond random poop - flinging.

Here's how it works. When you know you have a potential problem room, say one that involves "blogging", "Social Media", or anything else that Scobleites and Web 2.0 celebrity wannabes might attend, you call the TBSH professional that you have on retainer, and they will station themselves in the room in an unobtrusive manner. If the crowd starts pulling some kind of shit like the Zuckerberg SXSW debacle, your TBSH professional will quickly remind the crowd of their manners. For example, this bit from the aforementioned Zuckerberg interview:
That was the tipping point, as represented by one attendee who asked, "Other than rough interviews, what are some of the biggest challenges Facebook faces?"

"Has this been a rough interview?" Lacy asked Zuckerberg.

"I wasn't asking you, I was asking Mark," the attendee sniped.
Now, as we all know, this behavior went unpunished. The results were just stellar, weren't they. Now, let's see that same incident as it would have been handled by a trained TBSH professional:
That was the tipping point, as represented by one attendee who asked, "Other than rough interviews, what are some of the biggest challenges Facebook faces?"

"Has this been a rough interview?" Lacy asked Zuckerberg.

"I wasn't asking you, I was asking Mark," the attendee sniped.

TBSH: "Excuse me sir?"

jackass: "Who are you?"

TBSH: <SMACK!> I'm the (guy/woman) who's here to fucking remind you that when you're out in public, you don't act like a fucking monkey, that's who I am. Now, you can either treat everyone in the room with the same 'respect' you think you deserve, or Ima smack you so fucking hard upside that big empty skull that you'll be shittin' ears!

newly-reformed jackass: "I'm terribly sorry Lacy, don't know what came over me. However, if you could allow Mark to answer my question with regard to the challenges facing his company, I'd be simply delighted to hear his opinion of this interview as well. Again, please accept my humble apologies for my earlier outburst.
See how easy it is? Don't worry about our professionals fitting in. Here at TBSH, we have a wide range of well-trained and highly motivated people who have dedicated themselves to taking on the awesome responsibility of smacking manners back into the rude little blogdorkosphere fuckers.

We even have a money-back guarantee! If TBSH doesn't turn a crowd of gibbering blogmonkeys into a collection of polite, well-behaved individuals in five minutes or less, you get your money back. (Honestly, the money's not as important as the chance to slap a blogmonkey around until the learn their manners. You'd be AMAZED at the donations we get for this service. Our fee is highly negotiable.)

So when you want a well-mannered conference, relax. TBSH is here, and ready to go.


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