bynkii (bynkii) wrote,
bynkii
bynkii

As the consoles turn

<Scene: Steve Ballmer's office, some time ago>:

Door opens, a man's head peeks in. He's the manager for the XBox360 "Steve, got a minute?"

"Sure, what's up?"

"Well, we have the latest sales figures, and they look good. We're selling steadily in our core markets."

"Excellent news. Outselling the PS3?"

"Oh handily. The only real advantage they have is Blu-Ray, and it's not that big a deal. Most people think standard DVD is good enough, you can still get an upscaling player for less than a Blu-Ray player or a PS3, and there's not enough available Blu-Ray content to push a wide-scale switch."

"Hot damn! So much for Sony's vaunted long-range planning. How are game licenses?"

"Kicking ass Steve. We have some great games, and face it, Xbox Live! is something Sony just can't match. Guitar Hero, Rock Band, you name it, the XBox Live! integration is the feature that keeps us far ahead of them."

"I knew it! People want that kind of environment. It's good to be number one!"

"..."

"We are number one, right?"

"Well...that depends."

"What do you mean: "That depends"?"

"Well, in terms of game sales, and HD Console sales, we're kicking ass"

"That would imply there's an area we are not kicking ass in."

"Um...yeah. That would be a correct statemement."

"Wait, not the Wii. The Wii is still outselling us?"

"As a console? Yeah. Not games, but everyone's buying one. Grandmothers, housewives, people who we could never touch."

"What the fuck? We have better graphics, a better online platform, you name it, we have it better. HOW are they outselling us?"

"Well, it's still the same thing. Xbox Live is great, but that's still one person in a room by themselves. The Wii has that whole "have a party" vibe. And there's Mario."

"MARIO? How the fuck is that fat plumber kicking our ass?"

"Steve, people grew UP with Mario. Donkey Kong. Mario Brothers. Super Mario Brothers. Mario Kart. They've even got online play for Mario Kart"

"You're fucking kidding me. Tell me you're fucking kidding me that last year's graphics and a shitty kid's racing game are not the reason they're kicking Xbox ass!"

"Um. No. There's something else that's even more popular than Mario. It's selling like the Wii did when it was released."

"WHAT ELSE? What else does that two-bit schlockmeister of a company have? Every time someone says "Wii" my fucking aorta clenches up. So what is it? Tell me now, then drive a fucking SPIKE RIGHT THROUGH MY HEAD. Finish me off."

"Um...well..."

"Spit it out. What game is letting the fucking plumber kick my ass?"

"Well, it's not just a game...exactly. It's also new hardware."

"What? They got better graphics?"

"No, no. It's not that"

"Then what?"

"Fit"

"What?"

"The Wii Fit"

"What the FUCK is a Wii Fit?"

"It's a balance board and game that helps you exercise."

"What the HELL do you mean 'It helps you exercise'?"

"Yoga, strength training, balance games. Keeps track of your BMI and your weight. Helps you lose weight and get in shape."

"So let me get this straight...we have top-notch graphics."

"...Yes..."

"We have great sound."

"...Yes..."

"We have Xbox Live!"

"...yes..."

"We have the best set of games, including Halo-fucking-3, that every fucking gamer practically anally raped themselves over, and you're telling me that with all that, Nintendo, with shitty graphics and lamer sound is kicking our ass, because they came out with a game that lets every fat fucking housewife and grandparent stand on a boogie board in sweatpants and DO FUCKING YOGA!!!!!!"

".......yes.....pleasedon'tkillme...."

"Leave. Now."

"But..."

"Leave, or fuck the chair, I'm going to stuff my WHOLE FUCKING OFFICE UP YOUR FUCKING ASS WHILE I CONTEMPLATE WHY THE COMPANY THAT SELLS MORE SOFTWARE THAN EVERYONE ELSE COMBINED CAN'T DO SOMETHING SIMPLE LIKE FIGURE OUT A WAY TO OUTSELL NIN-FUCKING-TENDO!!!! DON'T TALK, DON'T DO ANYTHING BUT LEAVE MY OFFICE, AND LET ME LIVE WITH THE FUCKING SHAME OF GETTING MY ASS BEAT BY VIRTUAL RICHARD FUCKING SIMMONS!!!!"



You just know that both Sony and Microsoft are sitting there thinking about the Fit, and wondering just what the hell is going on with the world when a yoga game is more popular than the latest GTA.


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