August 9th, 2007

monk john

Even more of a dingaling than Enderle

As we've all heard by now, during the recent Apple event, during what was an unprecedented Q&A with Steve Jobs, Tim Cook, and Phil Schiller, someone asked:
Why are you not participating in Intel Inside program and not putting stickers on your Macs?

Now, I want you to visualize this. The three major players at Apple up on stage, doing a Q&A, and that question comes up.

In terms of "who would do that", it's right up there with ripping a loud, stinky, wet, sounds-and-smells-like-you-shat-yourself fart during a wedding just as the bride is about to say "I do". Not a quick one, where you can look around and pretend it wasn't you, but I mean a long one. Where you have to pause, take another breath, and start up again. Love in her eyes, parents crying, she leans in towards the man she's about to cleave her life, her very soul to, opens her mouth, and THFWAABABABABABABAABBABAABBABABABABAPSSSSHHHHHHH.

To be fair, this was not the only stupid question asked. For one, I honestly think that at any press conference, you get five good questions, and the rest are all crap. This one was no difference. But sometimes you hear a question that is just so...mind-numbingly stupid, that your brain actually starts doing the whole OMGBADTHINGFILTERITNEVERHAPPENEDITNEVERHAPPENEDERASEERASE thing. Because it's such a stupid question. It actually is now the proof that debunks the theory of "there are no stupid questions". I mean think of how astounding it is. Until the end of humanity, when someone says "There's no such thing as a stupid question", someone else will be able to say "I beg to differ. The infamous "Why don't you have Intel stickers on your Macs" question to Steve Jobs in 2007 was in fact, a stupid question", and the original person will have to say, "Wow, you're right, I forgot. There is in fact, such a thing as a stupid question". With one moment of stupidity, someone literally changed the world. Okay, they changed it by being that kid you hated in school, the one who just had to ask a question, because heaven forfend that the only questions asked be of the "not asked by him" variety. But still, he changed the world. You don't get many chances to do that, even if you're Steve Jobs.

I have to say, I'm in awe. Think of the levels of stupidity reached with that one question. It's mind-boggling, and I'm no stranger to stupid. I've been hit by cars over five times. I've owned leisure suits. I even had 8-track tapes. I know stupid. But this? This is like thinking you're a good guitar player, and then realizing you're in the room with Jimmy-Freakin'-Page.

Who was this moron? Who was this sultan of stupidity, this ruler of retard, this duke of dumb?

Was it Rob Enderle, well - known idiot, and contortionist? NO!
Was it Robert Scoble, owner of the +5 Bray of Doom, and destroyer of eardrums everywhere? NO!
Was it Bob Keefe, national correspondent for Cox Newspapers? COULD BE!

Yes, that's right, Bob Keefe, national correspondent, former technology and business editor, with almost twenty years in the news business is the proud owner of that question. There's no doubt, because in true "real" reporter style, he identified himself before asking the question. as an aside, why do so many nimrods have the first name of "robert"? is it some kind of bizarre genetic tag? Don't take my word for it, here, listen to the audio, courtesy of Dan Moren and Jason Snell of Mac Publishing. Listen closely to Steve Jobs stumble over the answer, so great is his astonishment at the stupidity just thrown at him like some Hylobates-launched feces. That's right...Keefe's question was so stupid, that it momentarily rendered Steve Jobs speechless. Somewhere in the middle of his evil lair, Steve Ballmer is screaming "I DON'T CARE WHAT IT COSTS, I WANT KEEFE ON MY PAYROLL, AND I WANT HIM THERE NOW". Disproved a centuries-old theorum and rendered Steve Jobs speechless. There aren't enough letters in the word "stupid" to adequately relay the stupidity of a stupid question that can render Steve Jobs speechless.

Somebody give Keefe a raise and a new helmet, lord knows, he's earned it.

Just stop letting him go out in public, or near a computer. Stop him before he stupids again.
monk john

Apple announces new iMacs and iWork '08...The Ugly

This part, obviously, focuses on the Q&A after the announcements were over.

You know, every time I see what the press does, it makes me want to get a taser, a straight razor, a vat of brine, and go have me some old-fashioned medieval witch hunt fun. People like to think that the infamous Reality Distortion Field, (RDF) makes people mindlessly buy into whatever Jobs is selling. I disagree. I think it turns most of the press in the room into a pack of acephalic morons. For the love of christ, Jobs, Tim Cook, and Phil Schiller are doing an unprecedented Q&A, and all some idiot asks about Intel Stickers?!?!?!

See, this is why I hate the idea that anyone can be a journalist, because it's just not true. What can anyone be? An idiot. Think I'm wrong? Here, some questions with my thoughts and what I would like to think were the thoughts of the people on stage interspersed, (much thanks to both, Engadget, and The Mac Observer for their good work in covering this):

Q: CNet asked about mobility. How will iMac evolve in the face of mobility.
Steve Jobs' Head (SJH): "Well, that's a good start, and a reasonable question. Maybe this won't suck"
My head, (JCW): "It's a setup man. This is the Mac web, bloggers, and mainstream media. There's going to be maybe five questions that won't suck, and you just wasted one."
A: Steve said that some folks want mobility, some want desktop computers, and some want both. The unsaid answer was that Apple was content to offer the best of each, and let consumers decide.

Q: "How well will you market this ecosystem to consumers, and show how seamlessly all this stuff works together?"
SJH: "Hmm...obviously we'll market this the way we market everything: So well, we empty out your wallet before you smell my natural clean scent"
JCW: "Shit, only three good questions left."
A: Steve: "We've got a phenomenal customer base, they show their friends and their friends get jealous."

Q: "Why are you not participating in Intel Inside program and not putting stickers on your Macs?"
SJH: "What the fuck? Did that fucktard seriously just ask me about stickers on Macs? Come on, we're in Apple's HQ, can't I at least have him beaten?"
JCW: "GAH! You have the three most important people at Apple doing a Q&A, something I can't remember happening since Jobs came back, and you ask about fucking STICKERS!!!! See, this is why I can't be there. The smell of freshly-tasered moron is really rancid. Fucking hell, what kind of idiot...never mind, press."
A: Steve: "What can I say? We like our own stickers better. Don't get me wrong, we love Intel, combined with our OS, we've really tuned them well together. Everyone knows we use Intel processors, we'd rather tell them about the product inside the box."

Phil: "Too much stuff on PC box, stickers on laptop, trialware, You don't have to peel stuff off."

Q: "How thin are the iMacs?"
SJH: "What do I look like, an engineer? I hear you can go to a website and find this stuff out..wait, he just wasted time. Was that a good question?"
JCW: "No, still only three left...wait, how did you get inside my head?"
A: Steve: "Really thin. You'll get your hands on it in a minute, but they're appreciably thinner."

Q: "Two thirds of your products on mobile side, where do things go on the Mac side."
SJH: "I know I'm not an engineer, but we have two desktops, a server, and two laptops. Are the press really able to not do even basic math? John, I'm at Apple in my circle of power. Here, I can do anything"
JCW: "Can someone teach this fucker how to count? Two good questions left. Dude, don't channel Moltz on me. Get outta my head, it's strange enough as is without you making it weirder."
A: Steve: "Desktops still an important part. Don't require miniaturization of notebook, can offer bigger keyboards, screens, lower cost. Some consumers will want to own both. We think iMac has bright future ahead of it."

Q: "Didn't mention Mac mini today, how is it doing?"
SJH: "I didn't mention the price of Dr. Scholl's inserts either, why the fuck do you care. I just introduced new hardware and major revs to iLife and iWork. So far, I've only gotten one question that even mentioned the iMac, and it wasn't that great, Tim, you take this one. I'm not channeling Moltz, even I have my limits. What, you thought the iSight was just a camera? Sucker"
JCW: "He didn't mention the price of Dr. ShollSTOP DOING THAT! I swear I'll take a drill to that thing if you keep this up"
A: Tim: "We're refreshing the Mac mini today.

Q: Mentioned AdSense, what's the relationship between Apple and Google?
SJH: "Well, at least it's about something I mentioned, I suppose it's better than nothing. But what kind of answer do you expect me to give? I mean honestly? What, you think we'd leave the mind reading circuitry in the camera lens? We're not Microsoft, we don't make things that obvious."
JCW: "Sigh...yeah, okay, I give up Steve. Just what kind of lame, vague question was that? Steve used a lot of words, you gonna ask him about all of them?"
A: Steve: "We are working closer with Google, they offer back end services we want to tie into our offerings. Google likes our products, too."

Q: Looking at what you've done with the iPhone, there's volatility in the stock. How satisfied that the product is on track?
SJH: "Look, I love the iPhone as much as anyone, but can any of you idiots stay on topic? Is this what it's like for other CEOs? No wonder I only talk to Mossberg and Pogue."
JCW: "WTFucknut? What's the effect of the fucking iPhone on the fucking stock have to do with anything about today?"
A: Steve: "We think the iPhone is a pretty strong success, we think most of the world sees it that way too. We're really happy with how it's going."

Q: How is Apple TV today? How does it fit into Mac?
SJH: "It's fine, went for a run, then had some Tazo tea afterwards. What kind of idiot question is that? How does it fit into Mac?? How about I tell Phil to shove it up your ass, and ask you how well it fits there. Wait, where'd that come from?"
JCW: "That will teach you to read MY mind without permission. Now for some Tofu...huh?"
A: Steve: "We're here to talk about Mac, we'll have some news for the Apple TV soon, but nothing to talk about today."

Q: What about AMD chips?
SJH: "Who cares? Shit, you think most of my customer base gives a fuck? Who let the neomaxizoomdweebie in? Damnit Welch, stop fucking with my slang, or I'll make you like fake pate' too!"
JCW: "They're nice with salsa and guacamole, what the fuck do you think you idiot? Steve, you make me eat vegan and I swear, I'll make you relive the last time I butchered a deer."
A: Steve: "We use Intel chips"

Q: What about the iMac in business?
SJH: "Businesses have money, we sell them iMacs. Okay, just because you use the name of a product we mentioned, that doesn't make it a good question. Tim, care to pipe in here?. Welch, that's disgusting."
JCW: "Can someone ask a question that doesn't guarantee a vague answer? What, you think tofu isn't just as disgusting to me? By the way, nice STFU answer on that last one."
A: Tim: We're seeing a lot of growth in business use. Mac is growing and a lot of that is business.

Steve: "A lot of other apps that run on the Mac, MSFT Office. But don't discount that more and more of business is communication, so lots of people have to sell internally, and they're excited about the tools we're offering. We see the iMac having some traction in business."

Q: With someone editing movies and going to publish, why not support HD uploads?
SJH: "Wow, another good question. That's what, four?"
JCW: "Holy crap, a question that applies. Yeah, I think you've only got one good one left."
A: Steve: "We do. Turns out that HD camcorders don't have sensors that are full HD, so they produce images that are slightly lower than HD, but are still stellar. We use that res, which is close, but not quite HD. Best you can do under $10k"

Q: Introduced multitouch on iPhone, what about for the Mac?
SJH: "Huh? You people bitch about the iPhone being a pain to clean, and now you want 24" iPhone screens? This isn't an iPhone event, again, topic? Anyone? You're all just crazy, aren't you."
JCW: "Oh, THAT'S a good idea....dual 30" monitors with a touch interface. Dude, you're getting a rotator cuff injury."
A: Steve: "Makes sense for the iPhone, not sure it makes sense in the Mac. Classify that as a research project."

Q: Will Numbers support Excel Macros?
SJH: "Okay, you can't just go from stupid to applicable like that. You have to ease into it. That's the last good one, isn't it?"
JCW: "YAAAAAY! A question anyone cares about! Yes, although if you ask me, it may have been the first truly good one"
A: There is no Excel Macro support in Numbers.

Q: There has been a suggestion that Apple appeals to smaller elite than mass customer base. Is it your goal to overtake PC in marketshare?
SJH: "Did he just ask me if we plan on making cheap crap just for market share? Did he just ask ME if APPLE is going to make CHEAP CRAP?"
JCW: "Of course he did. Dude, come on, you get this one all the time. You can rattle the answer off in your sleep."
A: Goal is to make the best PC in the world, and make something we can recommend to family in friends. There is some stuff in our industry we wouldn't be proud to ship. We can't ship junk. Thresholds we just can't cross. But we want to make the best personal computers in the industry. Our products are usually not premium priced. Price our competitors' computers, and add in all the extras, we're competitive. We don't offer stripped down products. We compare favorably. Thank you very much for coming today.

See, I swear to god, you put Steve Jobs in a room, and people just turn stupid. One question about iWork, nothing about iLife. Some stuff that mentioned the iMac, but were too vague to care about. Idiots.