August 20th, 2007

monk john

Web browsers are all retarded, and their developers suck

There are two major choices on Mac OS X and they both suck rancid, gangrenous donkey cock:

Safari...nice UI, follows OS conventions, but SSL is as random as a psychotic cat. Will it work? Will it fail? Will it work part of the way through? Who fucking knows, it's Safari, and you have to guess what it will do. Got animated ads? Watch Safari lose its fucking mind and try to eat all your CPU. Javascript? Shit, that's russian roulette with three bullets there. And a plugged barrel. Safari's fast, except when it's off in SCROD land. Here's a hint, oh mighty Safari team...if it's fucking spinning that fucking colorwheel of fucking doom, it's NOT FAST, BECAUSE I CAN'T USE THE FUCKING THING. HOW ABOUT IT NOT LOSE IT'S FUCKING MIND 9087520349587 TIMES A FUCKING DAY! COULD YOU MAYBE PUT "DOESN'T LOSE IT'S FUCKING MIND" ON THE TOP OF THE LIST OF GOALS FOR SAFARI?? MAYBE?? Oh, and the dumbest, and I do mean dumbest fucking autocomplete that ever was. Holy shit, it autocompletes on PASTE ops, and if you go PASTE-ENTER, well, hope you wanted some fucking autocomplete, because by god, you're going to fucking get it. Jesus, do the people writing this code actually use the fucking thing, or do they only use bookmarks chosen by Steve?

Firefox is more reliable, but I'm tired of shit that treats the OS like an afterthought. Shit like, oh, I don't know, PAGE UP/DOWN should just work. Keychain integration. A preferences system NOT designed by a mad Russian monk with a small penis. No, I honestly don't give a fuck that it runs on more than one platform. I don't see it being a pain in the fucking ass on Windows, so why is it a pain in the fucking ass on the Mac. Shit or get off the pot. I want a UI that's a proper Mac UI on Mac OS X, and whatever the fuck passes for a proper UI on Windows. One size does not fucking fit all.

I just want a browser that fucking works, with tabs and some AppleScriptability, a sensible autocomplete, ala IE 5 on Mac OS X, and that can handle normal shit like animated gifs and SSL without crying.

Is that TOO much to ask?

Before it starts, I've tried Opera, I've tried Omniweb. I hate them both more. Don't even bring those shitpiles up or I'll kick you in your intarweb nuts.

Oh, and someone tell me why the Acrobat 8 PDF plugin takes minutes to load, only runs in one browser, and requires fucking MYSQL to DISPLAY A FUCKING PDF IN A FUCKING WEB BROWSER?!?!?!?

:SDHF{ PWE {IP*) +) $_ HI:LHDFOUGD(_D*6*888^*65*66!!!!!!!!!
monk john

Hilarious Dumbass Du Jour

I normally don't link to Rob Enderle - Idiot, because face it, the man's a self-aggrandizing moron on a mission to prove humans can live their entire lives with their heads up their asses, and so far, he's succeeding.

But even a high-rent, low-quality nimrod like him can come up with a statement so ridiculous, so inane, so stupid that you can't not acknowledge the moronic glory of it. From his article on TechNewsWorld, (who now have to change their tag line to "All Stupid, All The Time"):
A Belated Thank-You to the OSS Leadership

This got to the point where I became concerned that someone could get hurt, or worse, killed. Some sites were actively fanning the hate for a variety of reasons including financial (page hits).

A number of the top Linux leaders stepped up, and without admitting guilt, asked that people tone it down and the DoS attacks almost ceased overnight, as did the threats of physical violence. I never thanked them for that and want to take this moment to thank Bruce, Richard and Linus for stepping up and possibly saving a life (likely my own).
Two reactions...


BAAAAAHAAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAH! AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAhAHAAHAHAHA! AAAAAH! AAAAH! STOP, I CAN'T BREATHEBWAAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHH! If you picture me almost curled in a ball on my chair, stomping my feet and laughing so hard I can't see, that would be the reaction that paragraph created.


Of all the egotistical drama-queening I've ever seen, (I have a LiveJournal, I know drama!), this wins. Totally. Rob Enderle is so wrapped up in the myth of his own greatness, his own Ozymandian-like ego is so in control of his worldview, that he thought, due to his long antipathy towards Linux, and his nigh-fellation of any company that was anti-open source, that the dark powers of open source were dispatching assassination squads composed of FSF-bred ninjas, and only the last - minute intercession Stallman, Perens, and Torvalds kept his head from a pike outside of Red Hat's corporate HQ.

Can't...stop...laughing...okay, there, better.

How fucking full of both yourself and shit do you have to be to think that somehow, you're going to get a cap busted in yo' ass because you pissed off Linux geeks? I bet he had the whole scene playing out in his head too. He'd be standing there, the force of good and righteousness, defending the people of Corporate Town from the marauding Linux Assassination Ninjas, like Leonidas at the hot gates. Dude, Kennedy wasn't that important, much less you. Hell, that weird homeless dude at the bus plaza yelling deranged, unintelligible platitudes to Jesus is more important that Enderle in the grand scheme of things.

You know, I can honestly say that after this, there is nothing I will hear about Rob Enderle that will seem unbelievable. If he got busted molesting a three - legged goat with a pixie stick while singing "Melancholy Baby", I wouldn't even raise an eyebrow. But what I really need is a new collective noun that properly describes and contains the vast, nigh-infinite range of...whatever the hell lives in Enderle's skull.