bynkii (bynkii) wrote,

Thoughts while driving cross - country

I recently, (yesterday in fact) drove from Albany NY to KC MO with poorheather. Some thoughts. (For those of you wondering, yes, it almost was "The Road to KC featuring Beavis and Butt-head".)

Thank GOD BK is making inroads on McDonald's in rest stops.

Dear stupid bints: No, in fact the first/last NY rest stop from the PA/NY border is not in fact New Jersey. Shrieking and taking pictures against the gas pumps does not change that. Here's a tip: if you aren't sure where you are, and you're pumping your own gas, you are neither in Jersey nor Oregon. I recommend a cartography course, and a friend with a brain on your next trip. Yes, as you surmised whilst shrieking in the bathroom loud enough to be heard in Jersey, you were indeed, "totally fucking lost."

Fog sucks when you're trying to get somewhere. You also have to be really tired to pay a hundred bucks for a room at a Motel 6. But, beggars can't be choosers.

I think that we're only about a year from Catholic churches that are block-specific, and at war with the church across the street.

I cannot stress this enough: Ohio sucks, and it tried to kill me. There was no part of the state that wasn't 8 billion degrees at 200% humidity. (I grew up in Miami. If I'm saying it's too hot and humid, that has meaning). The roads were jam-packed with: Construction, Ohio Troopers every ten yards, (No really, I lost count at 50 or so. Just on I-70 alond), or the bloated carcass of some deer, burst open from intestinal gas, and acting like some Romero-ish smorgasbord for crows), and people driving SLOWLY. Were we not six hours behind, I would have taken a piss on the "Welcome to Ohio" sign at the Indiana border.

Indiana however ruled. No cops, every road was at least two unfettered lanes, and the attitude of the drivers was rather autobahn-ish. When you're going 75 in a 70, and you're the pokey bastard in the right lane, that's a good drivin' state.

WHY DOES THE ENTIRE STRETCH OF I-70 THROUGH ILLINOIS SMELL LIKE UNCLEANED ZOO?!? Dear GOD, it was just wave after wave of eau de fermenting excrement the whole stretch. Also, when two cities butt up against each other, don't tell me that St. Louis is 97 miles away, and East St. Louis is 96 miles away. That's just lame. And Illinois stinks of farm animal shit.

I know that there are lots of really excellent lyricists in the Rap music genre. I love many of them. However, "BOOTYBOOTYBOOTYBOOTYBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH!" ain't doin' much for y'all. However, "Gold Digger" is true genius.

Dear Fundies: Stop trying to refute The DaVinci Code. <Mencias>It's FICTIONNNN! It's NOTTRUE! DEE-DEEDEE, You're RETARDED!!"</Mencias> I cannot even begin to understand this insecurity they have. Catholics too. You believe? You have faith? Stop getting your panties in a bunch over a work of fiction. Yes, it's inaccurate, (well, if you buy into the Bible, (pick a version) being authoritative it is), yes, it contradicts canon, (why does christianity suddenly sound like Anne Rice and fanfic?), but that's immaterial, because it's a WORK OF FICTION!


I'm sure that Jesus has something better for you on the great ineffable "Honey-Do" list in the sky.

God love Krispy Kremes...they will wake your ass up.

You know you're getting close to KC when there's a porn store every exit. I don't want to think about what the truckers are doing while they drive in MO. But I'm not touching the door handle's at a TA Truck Stop EVER AGAIN.

There's a dude in Indiana who sells RVs and, come to think of it, everything else, named Tom Raper. So for about 2 miles, all you see are HUGE billboards for "RAPER RVs". Then again, with a name like that, it's got to be hard to sell women's clothes. "Raper Lingerie" just doesn't sound like the name of a thriving business.

Weird shit becomes hilarious as you drive. Effingham Illinois. I see that sign, and I pop off with "See, I'd just be all up front about it, and call it Fuckingham". By the end of the signs for Effingham, we've changed the accents just a tish, so it's all "Fucking ham!!" That was very funny.

When you see two women standing, sans motor transportation under an overpass, the correct assumption probably isn't, "Now that's some innovating market segmentation in the prostitution arena".

"Judas Scores" as a followup to "Jesus Saves" does not in fact, ever get old.

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