Today, I decided to clean off my balcony. Specifically, to get rid of the pigeonsign. See, over the winter, I had noticed a couple of pigeons spending the night on my balcony. I wasn't pleased. Pigeons are pretty damned dirty birds. But fuck, it was winter, and it's not like I was going out on the balcony. I'd shoo them off, and ten minutes later, they were back. Besides, it looked like these two had some sense, and never told the others. So what the hell, I let them stay. I don't like turning anyone out in the cold. Not even a pidg.
So I'm cleaning off the pigeon shit, and throwing away the stuff they'd terminally befouled, and as I am doing so, the one just keeps flying back. I chase him away, and he flies back. As I get to the last corner of the balcony, I realize why. He has a nest.
I say "he" here, because his mate is on the nest, and she's not giving me a happy look. The egg next to her is a hint as to why. Damn, but okay, enough. I'm tired of pigeon shit. I've dealt with chickens and angry roosters, I've no problems throwing down with a bird. So I give her a little nudge with the broom. Nothing. She clacks at me, and gives me the hairy eyeball, but doesn't move. In fact, she puts out a leg and wedges herself tighter into the corner.
"Fuck off asshole. I don't care that you're a bazillion times bigger than me, I ain't movin'. You want me to move, you gotta do it the hard way, and I'll leave you bleedin' if you do. Your move pendejo."
Now, there's no contest. I'm bigger, and stronger. I can squash her like a bug. Literally. Foot. Stomp. Smeary bird bits.
But I'm staring at her, and goddamnit, she's not surrendering. I can force her to move, but I've no power over her. She refused to accede to my size or my broom. She's scared, probably fucking terrified, her mate is hiding up on the roof, and she's not moving. She's staring death in the face, and not backing down. Not a fucking bit.
You gotta respect that. You gotta respect someone who has no chance of physically besting you on any level and refuses to back down. No screaming, no whining, just a quiet refusal to resign the game. I may win in the end, but she's not going to just walk away. So I look at her, and I say "Okay, you can stay. But once your babies are hatched and out of the nest, I get my corner back, capiche?" As I go back inside, her mate is on the railing, and I look at him and say "Dude, you got yourself a good woman there. She just saved your babies. Y'all are good until they hatch, then I see you no more."
And they call women the weaker sex...
Current score: Pigeons 2, John 0.