bynkii (bynkii) wrote,

What I want to see in Leopard

As I get ready to get on the big silver bird taking me to San Francisco, I ponder the things I'd like to see Steve announce in Leopard:
  1. Anti-MacMac API support, and an accompanying taser in every iPhone. I think this cannot be said enough: MacMacs suck, and should be tortured at every opportunity. Whining about MacWrite? ZAP. Bitching about HyperCard? ZAAAAP Still talking about CyberDog? ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPFUCKPLUGTHISTHINGINBATTERIESAREDEADZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP I see this as a third party opportunity. I mean, the Mac BU able to shock the shit out of everyone who starts in on them about Word 5.1, or Windows Media Player? ZAAAAAAAAAAP. I mean, that would truly be a present for Mac ISVs

  2. Sound Effects - based UI. Not some wussy speech recognition. Bah. Talking to your computer is for losers. No, I mean sound effects. Want to build that code? You gotta make with the Bugs Bunny Factory song. DaDa-DADAAA-Di-Da-Di-Da-Daaa. Computer under attack? Get ready for that Star Trek "Enormous Space Wedgie of Ultimate Cosmic Power" song. Need to run some render job that will use all 8 processors and 14 Xgrid nodes? Hope you're a "Six Million Dollar Man" fan. (Note: In 10.6, they should add the optional "Running in Slow Motion to make your computer work faster" feature). Obviously, there's a downside. If you're at work, you obviously cannot, for any reason, have anyone playing any music that involves a guitar and a wah pedal, because if that happens, well, you're talking to HR again, and who wants that? And I really would recommend keeping it from "The Osbournes" DVD sets. No more speech, no more keyboards. You just gotta make the right noise at the right time to get your work done. I think it's got potential.

  3. iGruber. Come on, we all are obsessed with every aspect of the best damned Mac pundit on the planet, this simply takes it to the next level. Via a combination of long-range video and audio, careful ransacking of trash and recyclables, and patent-pending "iNinja" technology, Gruber won't be able to make a single move without you knowing about it, and since this is Apple, and they don't do things half-assed, with "move", they include "bowel". Because you can never have enough Gruber in your diet.

  4. "Foggy Day" UI. Platinum is dead, Aqua is buried, Brushed Metal was last seen exiting a Cab in front of Bandley 1, and Unified is living on borrowed time, because Leopard is all about a featureless grey screen. No menu bar. No Dock. No icons. No folders. Just a flat grey screen. You wanted consistency, it don't get more consistent than that.

  5. Delta Force Security API. Access Control Lists...Intrusion Detection...traffic monitoring...bah. For too long we've allowed people who can't even do a thousand pushups to design our security, and what has it got us? A 1960s Bobby saying "Stop! Or I shall say Stop! again, only more sternly, with a determined look. I may even" Enough of this, Apple has decided to leapfrog everyone with our new Delta Force Security APIs. When we detect a security breach, we not only stop the attack, but we track down the attackers and take care of them in the way that only Apple and an elite group of anti-terrorism Special Forces commandos can. Let's see how "l33t" some 20 year-old "U1tr@ H@xx0r!" is when he's in the grip of people who can kill you in ways that would make Charles Manson vomit. Let Vista pussyfoot around with "address randomization" and "UAC". Like that's going to scare anyone. From now on, Apple's going to hunt down these little bastards and make them wish they'd never heard of a computer.

  6. iReview, featuring Steve Jobs. Got a big paper or an important presentation? Need someone to provide constructive criticism? Nonsense, you need someone to tell you when it's a pile of crap, and who better than CEO of Apple Inc., Steven P. Jobs? Turn on iReview, and within seconds, the time we've spent creating a virtual version of Steve's design sensibilities and unique collaborative style will spring to life, letting you know just how little taste you have, and what drugs did you have to take to convince yourself you could design anything that didn't involve half a can of Tinkertoys and dried-out Play-Doh. You can have self-esteem on your own time, but when you're working on a Mac, you'll just learn to do things the Steve's way mister, and you'll like it.

So that's my wish list. Six little things that I think will make Leopard the most special OS EVAR.

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