You can spend all you want on a big house, a SUV the size of Rhode Island, and wear <label that was hot a year ago in the real world>.
You still LIVE IN KANSAS. Home of Fred Phelps.
You ain't cool.
You ain't never going to be cool.
Your attempts to be cool are funny as hell, and those of us from cities and places that actually create trends as opposed to waiting a year to get them are indeed laughing at you.
Stop with the attitude, it's like lipstick on a pig, only not as cute or well-mannered.