bynkii (bynkii) wrote,

A response to the techno-retarded

So this was originally a comment to this bit. (Yes, I get that it's mostly humor. However, what those outside of IT don't know is that I've seen every single item on that list in the real world. People really are that sad.) But I liked it so much, I made it a post. So here it is, a response to the techno-retarded who think IT people are just like they are on television:
  1. Perhaps if you stopped assuming I'm the social retard you think I am, you'd not talk to me like you talked to geeks in high school. Stop assuming "The Simpsons" is real, it's rotting your mind at an accelerated rate. I'm sorry that your insecurity won't let you admit you aren't good with computers, but face it, we all have different skills. It's why we work in different departments and have different job titles. You're good at...whatever you're good at and I'm good at computers. Oh, and making love to your image in a mirror all day long does not give you any moral high ground. Really.

  2. You must be in sales. I can tell because everything you talk about involves your self image. Do try to understand that I don't care if you like me. Who do I care that likes me? Why the CEO. We get along great. In fact, I had him in my cube the other day, helping him with some stuff for a party he's having. Just because my version of office politics doesn't involve my head up people's asses doesn't mean I don't play it, and far better than you. That's why you get a company card on your birthday and I get expensive bottles of bourbon. And while you're at a tanning parlor, I'm teaching a martial arts class. Care to test that theory on comparative physical coordination you have? Yeah.

  3. When you lie, you change what happened. That means I can't fix your problem as fast because I have to figure out what the problem REALLY is, then fix it.. You then complain it takes me longer to fix your problem. Well, when you have a well-established reputation as being completely untrustworthy, and think computers are magic, your problems will take longer to solve. Here's a trick...try not doing inappropriate stuff at work, and you won't have to lie. Really. It works. Just give it a whack. Considering what your administrative assistant has told me about your sex life, I hear you're quite good at "giving it a whack". (See, I am SO much better at office politics than you, and I'm really good at talking to people.)

  4. We do make backups. Of important stuff. The CEO's stuff. The board's stuff. Your attempts at competence? Not so much. Well we did try, but evidently, keeping your documents in a folder called "My Documents" or "Documents" is too hard for you. Well, you're not the only employee, and all the rest of the kids get it right. You want a whipping post, listen to the Allman brothers, because the first time you try to publicly scapegoat me, I hand over printouts of your chat sessions with "H0tT1tt3dSLuT" on Yahoo via Meebo. Don't mess with IT, we control that which controls your world, and we are not here to be your scapegoat.

  5. You're not the only employee. Get over it. See those people over there with smiles? They say "please" and "thank you", and treat me with *real* respect, not the condescension you have decided is respect. Note their stuff gets fixed quickly. And yours does not. Hmm. That's a real puzzler Encyclopedia Brown. Now, I have to run, the CEO wants to show me the new high-end in-ear monitors he got. Oh, you didn't know he was an audiophile? Funny that.

  6. Maybe if your department didn't fight every IT budget increase request tooth and nail as "a complete waste of time and money that could be outsourced to India for a dime on the dollar", we could hire more people. Oh, we weren't supposed to know about your impassioned speech supporting that in the budget meeting? Funny how your assistant leaked that to us. Maybe you shouldn't have told her "Well, you're not a secretary, so I don't have to do anything for secretary's day, heh-heh." Those flowers were our best use of petty cash ever. Still think IT can't play office politics?

  7. Your emails consist of "my computer's broken, make it better" and "The internet is slow, fix it". Other people's emails consist of "I can't print to the color laser in marketing, it tells me it's unreachable." See, those are useful emails. Yours? A six - year - old has better writing skill. Oh, that whole "read receipt" thing? That would in fact mean I got your email. Reading, it's fundamental.

  8. You couldn't get on and off the phone in five minutes with a gun at your head and a talking clock. It takes you a half - hour just to tell me how your weekend went. On a Wednesday. For the fifth time. Listening to thirty minutes of you masturbating your ego over the phone does nothing for me. Well, actually, that's wrong, it does. Since you don't care if I'm really listening, half the time, I put you on mute and speaker. That way we all get a giggle. Oh, and I've seen what you consider proper writing and presentations. In fact, I used one at the last conference I taught. It was the hit of the "don't do this" session on presentations. Got me free beer even. beer because of your stupidity. Best beer of all.

  9. Yes, I know, I don't fellate your ego and diddle your insecurities. However, keep in mind that my department just showed our CFO how we saved him a million dollars in HVAC and power costs thanks to spending $50K for a virtualization project. Your department is whining for AMEX black cards so that you can look more important when you're failing to actually sell anything, and in fact, haven't hit a target in months. (Yeah, we know about that. You should really treat your people better.)

  10. Snerk. I talk to Lisa too. She's thrilled to find someone at work who thinks that calculus is interesting and was nigh-giddy that the math skills you make so much fun of were able to help her find a better way to do her job. In fact, it may have helped her get a promotion. She's taking me to lunch on Friday as a thank you. You won't be there, as you're not invited 'cause you're an arrogant prat, and you'll be busy trying to pass the buck on why your results are under goal for another month. Good luck with that.

Here's a tip: Repeat "I am not the center of the universe" until it makes sense.

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